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Post by fixx on Jul 4, 2008 6:23:33 GMT 8
bwahahaha dami mo kalokohan..........
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kelsocom
Honorary Member
hinde nangangatog walang takot
Posts: 754
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Post by kelsocom on Jul 4, 2008 11:32:58 GMT 8
matatapang kasi ang mga daughters ko palaban kasi BAKULAW ba naman ang tatay
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jaysocom
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SOCOM DAVAO
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Post by jaysocom on Jul 4, 2008 22:33:34 GMT 8
matatapang kasi ang mga daughters ko palaban kasi BAKULAW ba naman ang tatay hahahaha ;D ;D ;D
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jaysocom
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Post by jaysocom on Jul 5, 2008 2:10:15 GMT 8
10
;;My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
; >9
Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows or a tub,and their carpets are clean. They give to charity at the office and don't need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and home phone number and they will get back to you.
> 8
This is not an answering machine - this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your number, and your reason for calling.... and I'll think about returning your call.
>7
;Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.
6
Hi. This is John: If you are the phone company, I already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my bank, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have LOTS of money.
; >5
A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So, leave a message.
; >4
Hello! If you leave a message, I'll call you soon. If you leave a"sexy" message, I'll call sooner.
3
. Hi. Now YOU say something.
2
Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
And the Number 1 Actual Answering Machine Message Recorded and Verified by The World Famous International Institute of Answering Machine Messages.
>1
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth, we'll call you back.
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Post by Sviatoslav on Jul 5, 2008 3:13:52 GMT 8
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Post by casanova on Jul 5, 2008 4:03:44 GMT 8
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Post by casanova on Jul 5, 2008 4:09:29 GMT 8
anak: tay, may manok sa kusina kinakain ung bigas naten...
tatay: paalisin mo anak..
anak: shu!!!!! shu!!!!!!! ayaw umalis, tay!!!!
tatay: takutin mo anak!!!!!
anak: hooooyyyy manok.... may mumu jan!!!!!!!
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ps6379
Honorary Member
addict sa cod4
Posts: 2,240
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Post by ps6379 on Jul 29, 2008 23:39:44 GMT 8
Ano ang sinabi ni Dr. Jose Rizal kay Inday?
Jose Rizal: Inday, ang hindi magmahal sa sariling wika ay mas masahol pa sa malansang isda.
Inday: Thank you for your wonderful word of wisdom, but don’t you know that I already read all your writings? Unfortunately, I was really disappointed because majority of them were written in Spanish. Therefore, you’re the ultimate violator of your own aphorism!
Jose Rizal: (nagtago uli sa puntod niya)
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jaysocom
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SOCOM DAVAO
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Post by jaysocom on Jul 30, 2008 3:47:00 GMT 8
old jokes...
Q:What has been your major health issue so far? A:Well….. My monthly is irregular.
Q:What can you contribute to the company if we hire you? A:I will contribute my entire life to the company!
Q:What has been your major health issue so far? A:Morning sickness. Q:Congratulations! How many months are you on the way? A:Ah….no… I just sneeze every morning..
Q:How long do you plan to stay with us if we hire you? A:For life? Q:I would need a ballpark figure. A:Um…. One towsan times!!!! Q:I need an approximate number of years. A:One towsan years!!!!! Wait… thats impossible… Q:The number of years please. A:Ok… 3-5 years.
Q:Where is your family based? A:House
Q:Sell the benefit of this compact mirror to me. A:Add spice to your face.
Q:How did you find out about our opening? A:Through my neva. Q:What is a neva? A:The house next to mine.
Q:What should I call you? A:I apply for call center. Q:No. How would you like to be addressed? A:At home. Q:How should I call you? A:I have a cellphone. Q:What is your nickname? A:Dave.
More memorable quotes from work. These gems make what I do worthwhile:
Q:Describe a situation wherein you were able to use your persuasion successfully to convince someone to see things your way? A:Ummm… My brother… Bikos he is impotent. Q:Excuse me? Your brother is impotent?! A:Yes. He does not want to work. Q:Ah… He does not want to stand up? To go to work? A:Yes. He is so lazy. Q:So what did you do to overcome his objections? A:I quarrel him.. inside the room… man to man
Q:How much do you know about the call center industry? A:Hmmm… Around fifty percent I guess. Q:Ok. Can you expound on that please. A:Ah…. Only fifty percent…
Q:What are your short term and long term goals? A:For my short term, I have three kids, right? Q:Ok… So whats your long term goals? A:Well, eventually they will grow up and when they do I will tell them to apply here because its a good company.
Q:What are your short term and long term goals? A:For my short term its, “Don’t be afraid, only believe” and my long term goal is “Laughter may hide sadness. When happiness is gone, sorrow is always there”. Q:These are your goals? Your CAREER goals? A:YES!!!!!! Q:These are your goals for your career?! A:YES!!!!!! (louder this time with matching head bobbing motion)
Q:How long do you see yourself working with us? A:So long…. As long as I can imagine!
Q:Who do you think are given a chance to work in a corporate environment? A:Like in SM, if you are obese they will not hire you. Thats why there are no bad looking people there. Q:So the reason we work here is we did not pass at SM? A:Yes.
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Post by lilmizbb on Jul 31, 2008 9:01:37 GMT 8
hahaha, sigh...
hrd you sir?
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Post by Sviatoslav on Aug 1, 2008 13:25:46 GMT 8
Before Marriage - - -
He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait. She: Do you want me to leave? He: NO! Don't even think about it. She: Do you love me? He: Of course! Over and over! She: Have you ever cheated on me? He: NO! Why are you even asking? She: Will you kiss me? He: Every chance I get! She: Will you hit me? He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person! She: Can I trust you? He: Yes. She: Darling!
After marriage - - - simply read from bottom to top
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Post by fixx on Aug 2, 2008 5:57:11 GMT 8
nice one
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jaysocom
Honorary Member
SOCOM DAVAO
Posts: 1,081
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Post by jaysocom on Oct 3, 2008 8:21:02 GMT 8
Mga Hinanakit………….
"Bakit ba pati ako, binibigyan nyo ng malisya? Ano ba ang kasalanan ko?!" - Talong
"Hindi lahat ng malakas, super hero!" - Putok
"Paano tayo makakabuo kung hindi ako papatong sa iyo?" - Lego
"Halika, bigyan mo pa ako ng init. Kailangan kong pumutok para ako'y
iyong matikman at ika'y masarapan. Ayan na! Puputok na! Humanda ka!" - Popcorn
"Kahit papaano, gusto ko din ng exposure!" - Singit
"Hindi ko hinahangad na ipagmalaki mo na ako'y sa iyo. Ayoko lang
naman na sa harap ng maraming tao, ganun mo na lang ako itanggi!" - Utot
"Hindi lahat ng hinog ay matamis!" - Pigsa
"Kapag ang katawan mo'y nag-iinit, lagi na lang ako ang hinahanap mo. Maya't maya mo akong ginagamit at pinapagod. Hindi ka na naawa!" - Aircon
"Pagod na akong humawak ng balls mo! Pagod narin ako sa pagbihis-hubad mo sa akin.
Malapit na naman ulit! Ayoko na!!!" - Christmas Tree.
"I ikspik that it will be a long payt, a good payt, But you know, I didn't ikspik.
Tinks por da God, you know, and tinks por ol da pelepeno pipo!" - Manny Pacquiao.
"You never even thank me for making you happy, then you throw me away just like that. I hate you for using me, for making my life full of shit!" - Tissue
"Hindi lahat ng kulot, salot!" - Goldilocks
"Hindi lahat ng bubuyog, kulay itim!" - Jollibee
"Alam kong sa tingin mo, masaya ako! Pero bakit kayo ganyan?! Sa tuwing wala na kayong masabi, ako na lang ang ginagamit nyo! Pagod na pagod ako sa pagngiti!" - Smiley
"You can cry all you want, you could always blame me. You said, it wasn't fair that you just want life to be better. But remember, it's all your fault! You stabbed me with a knife!" - Sibuyas
"Isubo mo ang kahabaan ko. Dilaan. Sipsipin. Paglaruan sa bibig mo. Para lumabas ang katas ko na kinasabikan mo.
Nag mamahal," - Ice Candy
"Bakit ayaw nyo pa rin sa akin kahit sosyal at maganda ako? Dahil ba mas sweet ang iba?". - Fruitcake
"Panakip butas mo lang pala ako!". - Panty
"Pinapaikot mo lang ako! Nagsasawa na ako. Mabuti pang patayin mo na lang ako". - Electric fan
"Hindi lahat na walang salawal ay bastos!" - winnie d' pooh
"Alam mo ba wala akong ibang hinangad kundi ang mapalapit sa iyo. Pero patuloy ang pag-iwas mo". - ipis
"Hala! sige magpakasasa ka! Alam ko namang katawan ko lang ang habol mo." -hipon
"Ayoko na! Pag nagmamahal ako, lagi na lang maraming tao ang nagagalit! Wala ba akong karapatang magmahal?!"
-Gasolina
"Sawang-sawa na ako, palagi na lang akong pinagpapasa- pasahan, pagod na pagod na ako.." - Bola
"Ginawa ko naman lahat para sumaya ka, mahirap ka ba talagang makontento sa isa? Bakit palipat-lipat ka? - TV
"Hindi lahat ng maasim may vitamin C" -kili kili
"Pilitin mo man na alisin ako sa buhay mo, babalik at babalik ako! -Libag
"Anung kasalanan ko sa iyo, iniwan mo na lang akong duguan..." -Sanitary Napkin
"Hwag mo na akong bilugin.." -kulangot
"Bwisit na buhay ito! Araw-araw na lang, itlog! Umaga, tanghali, gabi, itlog! Itlog! Itlog! Lagi na lang itlog!" -Brief
"Sige, kalimutan mo ako para malaman ng iba ang baho mo! -deodorant
"Ako lang ang makakapagpadugo ng ilong ni Manny Pacquiao!" - English
"Hind i totoong anak ko si Bakekang! At lalong hindi ko kapatid si Mike Enriquez! Kaya pwede ba, tigilan na ang tsismis na yan!" - Shrek
"Hindi lahat ng berde masustansiya” - Plema
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jaysocom
Honorary Member
SOCOM DAVAO
Posts: 1,081
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Post by jaysocom on Oct 18, 2008 8:28:17 GMT 8
1. Tech Support: "Customer Support, this is David, may I help you?" Customer: "Hello, yes, it's me." Tech Support: "Oh, it's me too." [chuckle] Customer: "No, Esmie. E, s, m, i, e." Tech Support: "Oh, sorry."
2. Customer: “I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message.” Tech Support:: “Did you install the update?” Customer: “No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?”
3. Customer:: “I’m having trouble installing Microsoft Word.” Tech Support:: “Tell me what you’ve done.” Customer: “I typed ‘A:SETUP’.” Tech Support:: “Ma’am, remove the disk and tell me what it says.” Customer:: “It says ‘[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk’.” Tech Support:: “Insert the MS Word setup disk.” Customer:: “What?” Tech Support: “Did you buy MS word?” Customer: “No…”
4. Customer:: “Do I need a computer to use your software?” Tech Support:: ?!%#$
5. Tech Support:: “Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?” Customer: “Wow. How can you see my screen from there?”
6. Tech Support:: “What type of computer do you have?” Customer:: “A white one.”
7. Tech Support:: “Type ‘A:’ at the prompt.” Customer:: “How do you spell that?”
8. Tech Support:: “What type of computer do you have?” Customer:: “A white one.” ===== Tech Support:: “Type ‘A:’ at the prompt.” Customer:: “How do you spell that?” ===== Tech Support: “What’s on your screen right now?” Customer: “A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store.” ===== Tech Support:: “What operating system are you running?” Customer: “Pentium.” ===== Customer: “My computer’s telling me I performed an illegal abortion.” ===== Customer: “I have Microsoft Exploder.” ===== Customer: “How do I print my voicemail?” ===== Customer: “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won’t boot properly.” Tech Support: “What does it say?” Customer: “Something about an error and non-system disk.” Tech Support: “Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?” Customer: “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an Intel inside.” ====== Tech Support: “Just call us back if there’s a problem. We’re open 24 hours.” Customer: “Is that Eastern time?” ===== Tech Support:: “What does the screen say now?” Customer: “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.” Tech Support:: “Well?” Customer: “How do I know when it’s ready?”
agent: may i put you on hold sir while i check on your records. . (put cust on hold, cust name is mr. walker)
agent: thank you for patiently walking mr. waiter. . cust: ?#?
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use? Customer: Netscape. Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program. Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears
Tech support: How may I help you? Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail. Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem? Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: I don't have a P. Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob. Customer: What do you mean? Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob. Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
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jaysocom
Honorary Member
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Posts: 1,081
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Post by jaysocom on Oct 18, 2008 8:32:11 GMT 8
This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for ‘Termination without Cause’. Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):
Operator: ‘Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?’ Caller: ‘Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.’ Operator: ‘What sort of trouble??’ Caller: ‘Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.’ Operator: ‘Went away?’ Caller: ‘They disappeared.’ Operator: ‘Hmm So what does your screen look like now?’ Caller: ‘Nothing.’ Operator: ‘Nothing??’ Caller: ‘It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.’ Operator: ‘Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??’ Caller: ‘How do I tell?’ Operator: ‘Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??’ Caller: ‘What’s a sea-prompt?’ Operator: ‘Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?’ Caller: ‘There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.’ Operator: ‘Does your monitor have a power indicator??’ Caller: ‘What’s a monitor?’ Operator: ‘It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on??’ Caller: ‘I don’t know.’ Operator: ‘Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??’ Caller: ‘Yes, I think so.’ Operator: ‘Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall. Caller: ‘Yes, it is.’ Operator: ‘When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??’ Caller: ‘No.’ Operator: ‘Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.’ Caller: ‘Okay, here it is.’ Operator: ‘Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.’ Caller: ‘I can’t reach.’ Operator: ‘Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??’ Caller: ‘No.’ Operator: ‘Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??’ Caller: ‘Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle - it’s because it’s dark.’ Operator: ‘Dark??’ Caller: ‘Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window. Operator: ‘Well, turn on the office light then.’ Caller: ‘I can’t.’ Operator: ‘No? Why not??’ Caller: ‘Because there’s a power failure.’ Operator: ‘A power………. A power failure? Aha, Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??’ Caller: ‘Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.’ Operator: ‘Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.’ Caller: ‘Really? Is it that bad?’ Operator: ‘Yes, I’m afraid it is.’ Caller: ‘Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??’
Operator: ‘Tell them you’re too f — ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!’
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Post by Sviatoslav on Oct 18, 2008 13:46:46 GMT 8
hahahahahaha
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ps6379
Honorary Member
addict sa cod4
Posts: 2,240
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Post by ps6379 on Oct 18, 2008 21:27:15 GMT 8
hehehehehehe... naknamputs!!!
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OutBreak
Honorary Member
bisan asa, dula.....
Posts: 1,484
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Post by OutBreak on Nov 18, 2008 16:42:28 GMT 8
BOK: hala, pre! parating na Misis mo! papaUwiin ka na nyan! DEBOY: wla yan! pag nakita nyan tatoo ko, aalis yan kaagAd! Dumating ang Mrs. ni Deboy, pinakita ang Tatoo, umalis na Agad!! BOK: bilib tlaga ako sa yo pre! Patingin nga ng tatoo mo?... Tattoo ni Deboy: "MAUNAKA NA BOSS, SUSUNOD NA AKO!"
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Post by captainpo on Nov 18, 2008 19:29:22 GMT 8
BWAHAHAHAHAHA
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kelsocom
Honorary Member
hinde nangangatog walang takot
Posts: 754
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Post by kelsocom on Jun 12, 2009 20:27:13 GMT 8
KUMIRIRING ang telepono nang madaling araw....
"Hello, Master Carlos? Si Cesar po ito, 'yung katiwala niyo sa bahay-bakasyunan niyo."
"O, Cesar, ikaw pala. Ano't napatawag ka? May problema ba?
"Um, napatawag lang po ako para abisuhan kayo na namatay ang alaga niyong parrot."
"'Yung parrot kong si Pikoy, patay? 'Yung nanalo sa bird show?
"Opo, Master Carlos, 'yun na nga po."
"Putris ... sayang! Ang laki pa naman ng nagastos ko sa ibong 'yon. Hay, buhay! Teka, ano nga ba ang ikinamatay niya?"
"E, kumain po kasi ng bulok na karne...."
"Bulok na karne? At sino namang salbaheng tao ang nagpakain sa kanya ng bulok na karne?"
"W-Wala po. Nanginain po siya ng karne ng isang patay na kabayo."
"Patay na kabayo? Anong patay na kabayo, Cesar?"
"E, 'yun pung mga thoroughbred horses niyo, Sir. Namatay po kasi lahat sila sa pagod, kahihila ng kariton ng tubig."
"Nasisiraan ka na ba ng bait? Anong kariton ng tubbbiiiiggggg? "
"'Yun pong pinampatay namin ng sunog."
"Diyos ko po! Anong sunog naman 'yang pinagsasasabi mo?"
"'Yun pong halos tumupok sa bahay niyo.... Tumumba po 'yung isang nakasinding kandila, tapos nagliyab 'yung kurtina at mabilis na kumalat ang apoy...."
"Ano? Puuut.... E, may kuryente naman diyan sa bahay-bakasyunan, a. Para saan 'yung kandila?"
"Para sa burol po."
"Ano? Kaninong burol?
"Sa nanay n'yo po, Sir. Bigla kasi siya dumating dito nu'ng isang gabi, walang kaabi-abiso. Lampas hatinggabi na. Akala ko po magnanakaw. Binaril ko."
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